What We Need Is Here

Carpe the Freakin' Diem

Three years ago, I had an opportunity to go to Guatemala for the first time but was so bogged down with day-to-day life, I couldn’t decide whether to do it or not.  The school gardens I was working in were in the middle of harvest and there were so many things that needed wrapping up at the end of the school year.  I was working long hours and had fallen way behind on house upkeep. The chaos of it all was just overwhelming.  When I told my college-age son Joe my dilemma, his response was to the point: “Go to Guatemala, Mom! Carpe the freakin’ diem.” I did, and it was a life changing experience. In the end, it changed Joe’s life, too. My relationship with the school and community in Ciudad Quetzal paved the way for his later funding to study and teach there. He’s there now for his third summer.

I was thinking of that conversation with Joe while I was cleaning up the rest of his room in preparation for moving.  Our youngest son, Johnny, now has the room, and I was sorting through the last vestiges of Joe’s things and packing up some of Johnny’s before moving on to the next room which belonged to Megan, Anna, Grace and Riley at different times.   I was overwhelmed with memories of my grown children embedded in all the mess; I could imagine each of them around 8-years old: Anna (25) practicing gymnastics, Megan (27) with art supplies strewn everyplace, Joe (22) setting up his tripod and organizing his photos, Ben (20) with his baseball cards spread all over. I was even getting choked up folding little Riley’s (Megan’s 3-year old) winter things, thinking about how big he’ll be next year.  I was flooded with those timeless, unanswerable questions parents are prone to confront during times of transition:  “Did I spend enough time with them?” “Could I have played with them more?”  “Will they remember me as a good mother”  “Was I a good mother??” “Do they know how much I love them?” I missed them so much all the sudden.  I wished I could do it all again.

I am still the same woman who, when they were younger and at home, would do a little dance on the rare occasion they were all out of the house at the same time - and would dream sometimes of a future when they were grown and gone and I would actually have regular time to myself, where I could just be myself and not always at everyone’s beck and call. And I am truly glad that I have arrived here at this place in my life where I have more freedom and can even finally down-size a bit. But I still miss them. And I am awash in all the contradictions.  I am happy and sad.  I am overcome by all the losses and gains.  I wonder how to find any firm ground to stand on when things are constantly shifting and changing.

Later the same day, I got a call from my mother about my father’s recent neurology appointment, confirming he is indeed experiencing the beginnings of dementia. He is not the same as he used to be. He is going too.  I remembered driving with my dad when I was 12 or so, with the top down to our convertible, talking. I probably remember it because it was so rare to have time with him, and very rare to have it alone.  I can hear him commenting on the beautiful day and myself responding with something like “It’s not as pretty as North Florida; I miss the trees.”  I remember him slowing down and explaining earnestly that it was beautiful just like it was and that someday we would look back at that exact time and think how happy we were, that our family was all together right now, and who knew what the future would bring. Something like that.

I wish I could have my dad back. And my children. At all their ages and stages. While I was lying in bed awake last night, staring into the dark and wondering what we are here for anyway, why it hurts so much sometimes, and how we are supposed to live with all this uncertainty, my husband rolled over closer and put his head on my shoulder and took a deep contented breath.  I could feel his curls against my face and as my mind spun through this life we're catapulting through together, I felt I knew at least one true thing: We’re here to love each other as best we can, right now.  We’re here to carpe the freakin’ diem. This diem, right now.   Today.

About Our Family

We are a “blended” family of two parents and six children – three still living at home.  Like most families, we feel very busy. John works full-time for Pax Christi, a Catholic human rights organization.  I (Kelli) have been occupied for the last two-plus years as a caregiver for Ben (19), who has just finished up a long, long course of chemotherapy for leukemia. Prior to that (almost three years ago), I worked for Florida Organic Growers' food secuity program.  In 2000, John and I were among a small group of folks who founded the Gainesville Catholic Worker and we are very involved with its doings. Our other two children living at home, Johnny (12) and Grace (10), are in middle and elementary school respectively, perched right at the brink of teenagerdom. The three living away - Megan (27, Ocala), Anna (25, NYC), and Joe (22,  college in Tennessee), seem to appreciate Gainesville life even more the further away they are. It's been good for us to see "home" through their eyes.

For years, we have been inspired by the idea of “being local.”  Partly because we just love this place.  Our roots run deep here and we want to honor and protect it.  But also because we can’t imagine going on like this - as a family, as a community, as a country, or as a planet.  We want to slow down, work and play together more as a family, and free ourselves to reach out  more to our neighbors - especially those in need.  We'd like to enjoy and appreciate more North Central Florida's natural beauty as well as the beauty of the various human and cultural aspects of this particular place. We hope to see more of our resources go toward supporting the people we know and who care about this place as much as we do.  And we want to become more aware of the people and places other than our own that our actions affect. We want that impact to be a more benign one. And with global warming and peak oil looming, we are feeling a little urgent about changing our ways  - for our sake, for our neighbors near and far, and for the good of the planet in general.

We’re thinking this is going to be a pretty big challenge for us. Over the years, we’ve given more thought than effort to being local – enjoying the ambience and delicious food at the farmers market or the local grocery but supplementing heavily with just about whatever we wanted whenever we wanted it… from wherever we had to go to get it.  We want to do better.  And we want to examine other aspects of our lives besides food - what we wear, how we entertain ourselves, how we get to where we're going (gasoline isn't a local product...) and whatever else comes to mind. One thing we know for sure: we have a lot to learn.

We hope you'll help us by sharing your own experiences, insights, thoughts and questions about being local.  It's good to have company.